One of my dearest friends sent a text message to me just days after I left him. “The grief you are experiencing is no longer the loss of hope for what you thought could be, but more the loss of who you are truly clinging to.” My old self. The woman who I thought I was. Trying to live up to an expectation and all the while not only not pleasing others, but failing to please myself as well. It was all an act. All put on for show to illustrate how strong I really was and that I could handle anything that ever came my way. Because I always was able to do that.
That kind of living and thinking inevitably almost always lead to more health issues for me of which I’ve blogged about previously and won’t necessarily go into great detail here. But one thing I will point out is that when we live to please others, we stop pleasing ourselves. When we are constantly going out of our way to make others happy and fulfilled, we are the ones that wind up with a void on the inside. And for many years, that was me. Running my business and being in a destructive and abusive marriage did so much damage to my health, that I had no choice but to pull in the reigns and take back my life. But not the life I once lived. A completely new life.
I have not written out the word DIVORCE in any blogs or Facebook posts. Even now, after all this time, it’s still such a scary word to me. Something that nobody should ever have to experience. It’s a horrible experience and can turn your life upside down.
I remember being in family court asking my attorney if I should be nervous. His response to me was, “YES!! You should be nervous, scared, and horrified, Tracy. This is a horrible place. People’s lives get destroyed here. There are evil spirits in this place.”
I remember him saying it like it was yesterday. I still get a stampede in my stomach thinking about it. And his comment didn’t make it any easier for me, only that I wanted to get it over as quickly as possible.
Today I sit here and I look back at this past year. The time I have had to reflect on what once was and what I now see possible. I hear a lot of people say “I just want to get back to who I was.” And that would have been me. But if I think about it, then I would keep making those old mistakes again. Attracting the wrong people, clients, and situations. Not that they were all bad. I’ve developed some of the most amazing relationships especially in these past couple of years. The friends, who have been nothing short of being a solid rock for me to lean on, have been a tremendous source of strength for me. Never letting me believe for a second that I made the wrong choice or that there was anything I could have done to prevent it. Because to know me is to know that I don’t quit. I fight. It’s just who I am. And that’s the part of me that I will take with me into this next adventure.
I recently saw my Theta Healer, Beatrice. Such an amazing woman. For some reason, well for many reasons, she is the one I turn to when I feel all hope has up and vanished. Our work together has been amazing. This time she gave me an exercise. A writing exercise. I love to write, right? 🙂 But this time it was to write a letter…..in my left hand…..to my ex and to express all the emotions….all the anger, upsets, disappointments, and frustrations. Take as much time as you need and just when you think you’re done….keep writing. Well, I’m a righty. So writing with my left hand was not exactly easy. But with the help of some David Nevue music I was able to tap into that space that needed to be released. You see, by writing with your less dominant hand, you tap into your inner child energy. The one who is scared to stand up for herself when she needs protection and thus quiets herself to the point of no self expression. Ya, that’s the one. Then when you’re done with the letter, burn it. I thought this was going to be a cool experiment.
I wasn’t able to write the letter right away. It took me about 3 days where I could get in the space. I had a box of Kleenex sitting next to me just in case and with my headphones on listening to my music, I wrote away. After only being able to fill one sheet, both sides, with my left hand …. I felt that there was nothing left to say. I got in my car and called my good friend Joleen who has not only been an amazing friend, but my peer coach as well. She talked to me on my drive over to Torrey Pines at 9pm that night. I asked her if she would stay on the phone with me. I pulled up to the beach. Not a car in sight. I opened my window and could hear the silence of the ocean pulling up on the shore. Truly the best place for me to be. Then I proceeded to read the letter outloud to Joleen as she listened to me. I got out of the car and walked to the edge of the cliff, struck a match and watched as two hours worth of writing, almost 7 years of emotion, and a lifetime of hope incinerated in a matter of maybe 8 seconds.
Seeing that paper go up in flames reminded me so much of how flamable our lives really are. If not properly cared for, anything can burn up and turn to ashes. We take so much for granted in life. We toss around the word love. But do we really mean it? When you love someone, truly love someone, you take them for better or for worse. There is no question about that fact that there will be fights, upsets, and disappointments. However, when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, during the pressing times, the ones that really love you are the ones that are going to show up for you. And sometimes it turns out that your very own “love” wasn’t what you thought to begin with.
I have taken this past year off of work. I have taken this time to complete school. To heal. And to move forward. I never though this year was going to end. I never thought I would make it. There were times I just wanted to go back just so that I didn’t have to feel. So that I didn’t have to acknowledge the pain….the fear….and that ever so devastating disappointment. But you wake up one day and you realize that you had love in your life all along. It comes in the form of family, friends, and even your pets. They are the ones who don’t bail on you because your single again. They don’t judge you for the reasons you left. No!! They take your calls at 2a.m or even better, they call you at 2 am because they know you are up and in need of a friend. They bring you solace. They are your rock. And without them, I wouldn’t have come as far as I have in this past year.
I’ve picked myself up. I’ve dusted myself off. And I’ve looked myself straight in the mirror. I like what I see now. And I’m grateful for this time of healing and taking it easy. I am blessed that I was in the position where I could do it. But now…..well, now it’s time for the new, not the old, the new me to come through. Getting back to work is first on my list of things to do. I love the healing work that I do with my clients. I love the writings that I do. And I love the amazing relationships I have developed over this time. They have given me hope and inspiration and a constant reminder that it’s never too late to live happily ever after. But first, you have to say goodbye. Goodbye to old relationships that no longer serve you. And goodbye to that part of you that no longer serves you. Whom ever that is……let it go. Move forward. Because you deserve nothing less than being happy, loved, and fulfilled in life. Write that letter and burn it. Or do whatever ritual works for you.
I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving and spent time with those you love and care about.
Best in health,