I’ve recently had the most eye opening experiences of my life. You know that saying “When It Rains, It Pours”?? Well, it’s true. And if another front doesn’t come through to stop the storm, it can go on and on forever and wipe you out.
I’m referring to our own inner storm. The one that creates thunder and lightening and drowns out the other sounds of nature. These thunder and lightening crashes I’m talking about are our inner thoughts. The ones that force us into action, whether it be positive or negative, or stop us from being in action all together.
I’ve heard many therapists say that at the young age of possibly 3 years old, something happens to us, we become defined by how our parents treat or discipline us. If we were treated with love and respect, generally we will not only treat others with love and respect, but more importantly, ourselves. If we were disciplined for every little thing we did, experienced abuse on any level, grew up in a household with lots of fighting and dysfunction, we may take that into our adult life an play the victim role with illness, financial distress, and relationship issues. The primary relationship issue being with our own self. We define ourselves as a certain character in life. We wind up feeling sorry for ourselves and beat that drum our entire life getting others to feel sorry for us which enables us to have “excuses” for not living out the life we really want, having the perfect job, spouse, home, family, friends, etc. The list goes on and on.
We all have a little something that we keep to ourselves. It’s our own little secret. Our imaginary friend, if you will. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We don’t have to share every little detail of every little thought that we have in life. That would be impossible. But most of us are walking around with big dark secrets. The kind that cause us anxiety. Whether it be a thought, a health issue, a food issue, a relationship issue, or a job/financial issue. And many of us have multiple issues of these and others. Carrying them around day after day, year after year. But at some point we are going to have to come clean. We will resist it. We will push it away. We will lie to others and tell them there is nothing wrong when we are truly suffering inside. But it shows up for us when we least expect it.
Having been a business owner for 8 years and working for myself and by myself, there really was no one in my professional arena to share my work issues with. And at the end of the day, I didn’t really want to bombard my husband with upsets from work. I felt that he was tired of hearing about my upsets. So I internalized it, kept it to myself, and let it eat away at me.
Work was killing me. I was no longer happy. I loved my clients. However, because I was not in a good space, I was unable to truly give myself wholly to them and their treatment. Lost in my own thoughts I was not completely present. And that showed up for me in the financial aspect. And because money is energy, that energy transfused into other areas of my life. When you have a lot of money….you have a lot of energy. When times are tight….you become tight, physically AND in the wallet. And these are things, that start to show up for you in your personal life. Marriage, Family, Friends, Health, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself.
I took the plunge recently and have decided that I truly need to work on breaking the tie that binds me in life. I had always thought that my issues were directly related to physical health, nutrition, and fitness. But it’s truly a lot deeper than that. The emotional scars of my past have shown up for me in my present life. In relationships, in my professional arena, and again, most importantly with myself. These are things that no food allergist can tell me to avoid. No fitness instructor can tell me to lift. And no nutritionist can prescribe me to eat. It’s not about working out more and eating less.
It IS about letting go. These past couple of weeks I’ve engaged myself to work with a therapist on stress and anxiety issues. To help me see the real honest to God reasons why I have certain physical or spiritual health issues. Working at the core level of my being to help me break free from the issues of my past and to plow forward into an abundant and fulfilling life with my husband, my family, my job, my body, and my spirit.
Living a life that someone else decided we should live is living a big fat lie. It’s like having someone prepare a meal for you, a meal you detest, and you saying that you love it when you really hate it. Then they just assume you love it and feed you the same food over and over and over until you are just used to eating it. You don’t know any differently. When we are very young and under the influence of our parents, they pretty much domesticate us into being who they want us to be….the same way they would domesticate a puppy. We are trained to act, eat, and behave a certain way. A way in which pleases them…..and they know no differently because it was done to them as well.
Having had many of my unresolved issues surface at the same time, there was nothing I could do but be forced to face them head on. I banged my head against the wall for years until recently. Recently I gave up my business. A business I had for 8 years. A business that in the initial years brought me lots of joy, financial abundance, and a sense of self. But time went on. Stress developed. And my sense of self, where I wanted to be professionally and personally didn’t develop along with it. I didn’t grab on when opportunity knocked to have more. I was in my comfort zone. And didn’t realize and opportunity for growth….until that opportunity was gone.
But now I have it again. The opportunity of a life time. The opportunity to let go of the past….be present….and let the future take me where I was meant to be. With the closing of the doors of my business, I am opening the doors of the future. I’m back in school studying more on health and wellness and working towards my true goals. I’m working doing more writing and and blogging. I’m working on relationships in my life with myself, my husband, my family, and my friends. And yes, I’m seeing a counselor to work through and cut that tie that binds. It won’t be easy. But I’m up for the challenge.
There is no better gift than the present. Be present and Just Be!!
Find that inner child in you that never got stopped from pursuing happiness, love, fulfillment…..that cookie from the jar that mama said you couldn’t have. Find a way to have that cookie and live a life that you love living.
Til Next Time!!